Rinok

I was walking down the market near my hostel back in Kazan. Few people, dark evening sky, crisp chilly weather. I knew in the back of my head that my roomie was with me, somewhere in the market. I was looking at the prices all around. I stopped at a shop and asked for the usual vegetables they sell:  peppers, garlic, onions, carrots. While he was taking an awfully long time to weigh and stuff, I looked around for my roomie and I actually saw her facing away from me, in her black jacket and cream colored head scarf. And then I looked at myself to notice that i am wearing a sleeveless top...which was so inappropriate for the winter. I stood there wondering what I was doing there....

And ..............zzzzzoooop. 

The dream ended. I woke up.

So that was the dream I had last night.

I have the weirdest dreams. Falling from a cliff, being stabbed, having kids I don't know about. They are not only weird in content. They are sometimes black and white, sometimes mute, at times I am a third person.
Sometimes they are like a movie! And the best part is, I remember every damn thing the next morning.

The weird thing about this dream, apart from my clothes of course, was that everything about the dream was actually perfect. Everything, every lil detail that I recall, was what I experienced in reality almost 2 years ago or before.
My dream was a strong fragment of my memory. This lil act of buying groceries was so perfectly molded in my memory that it popped out of nowhere, to give me a detour, in the form of a dream.

I might be obsessing over my dreams. But I really want them to mean something. I mean I won't have such detailed dreams over nothing, would I?

Food IN thoughts

Writing makes me happy and I haven't written in a long time. I'm not saying I'm not happy, I'm saying I don't have an inspiration. An inspiration to be happy. To be in that state of mind. It comes and goes. I might be Bipolar. Or maybe I'm just the person who let's the things around me affect me to an extent that I have to take it out on people who don't deserve it.

Sometimes I wish Happiness, if being a state of mind , should be independent and voluntary.

Okay that was shitty philosophical. And I don't believe you even wasted your time reading it!

So when I am feeling low,...I err...have this urge to eat. Or talk. Or I am just plain angry. At about everything in my way....something like, you sneeze and I'll accuse you of giving me tuberculosis.

Yea, I'm that weird. =/

So to keep me and my craziness going, I went to the supermarket last evening. They say you get EVERYTHING you need there. Yet I end up buying everything I don't. Every single time.

I walked down through the narrow aisles when suddenly a box of chocolates stare at me. As I stand there I was trying to recall when the last time was that I let a chocolate melt in my mouth. I guess it was women's day. Or not. Delusions.

So here I am, in a supermarket, staring at the sweets, with “shame eyes” because I am trying to be healthy. What if I just ate one box, for chubby kid times sake? If I don’t post it on Facebook, it’s like it never really happened, right?

I look at the ingredients: Milk chocolate (sugar, cocoa butter, milk, chocolate, soy lecithin, vanilla), roasted nuts.

Perhaps they maybe healthy after all. I mean, they contain soy, which is a healthy vegetarian food, right? And Lecithin..I am scratching my head because I know what it means. Or I did. My MCQ trained brain was trying to rule out the options. “Lecithin” contains the word “thin.” Should be healthy, right?
Plus, the box had like an entire 100 bucks off!

My shame eyes become “Google eyes.” Lecithin is an oily substance found in the cells of plants and animals. Lecithin emulsifies: it helps bind water and fat, oil and vinegar. It keeps chocolate creamy and even extends its shelf life. That's what the first link on my cell said!

"No Rashmi. NO!"

So I turn away from possibly healthy chocolates and, out of the corner of the eyes I spot Little hearts. My another favorite sweet, heart shaped, perfectly named, crispy biscuits...that melt in mouth. Never for me. But the packet says so.
Forgive me. Carbohydrates – 71 gm 

                   Protein – 7 gm
                   Fat – 18 gm
                   Energy – 474 kcal [but who cares!]
                   With traces of vitamins & minerals 

Dejectedly, I put the bag back. I look around and try to digest the shelves upon shelves, aisles upon aisles, of commodity foods. During the forty minutes I have now been in the store, many of the folks have walked passed me, silently filling their baskets. The wheels of the shopping carts rattle. Registers clang. The automatic doors open and close.

People don’t realize that they walk around with their needs on their face like a grocery list pinned to their shirts.

“Excuse me,” an employee says to me. “Is there something you were looking for?”

I guess I just need attention. I need distraction. I need help. And I want it everyday.

"No thank you." I replied and left with a couple of apples in a bag. And a chewing gum.