Invisible fear

I stopped fighting myself, then, held him close, and cried, rocking him safe, whispering into his ear, over and over again, what I wanted to tell him: that he would have to be brave, now and for years to come, because I am not ready yet to say a goodbye, that he is loved so much by his family, that this is his home, that this is what home had become...in a few days that he is ill.

Caspar.

I'm not a people's person, not an introvert either, just extremely selective. I read books when I am free rather than visiting a friend. I tend the garden instead of an hour long call. I prefer forest over a pub. In my life, people extremely close to me, have  proven, again and again, that investing time and love in people is nothing but a mistake.
Animals, on the other hand, reciprocate. Million times more than you have. 
I have been clinically depressed this entire year and now my four legged anti-depressant, my only routine this year, is so terribly ill, that no matter how much I try to distract myself and self assure that he is going to make it, I fail.
And for a person like me with least faith in God, have conversations with him.Just as space had found a living tissue when the ocean was born, I found him when space had become small, microscopic, and endless only in its waves. He was a new landscape, a new open door of unknown and unseen things, a terrain that felt alive and curious and inviting. He was a map to draw of wanting to have and know more.

He is love, love and nothing else.

I don't know with which feeling exactly am I writing this. All I know is, you have to pray. Like me. For him.